Vicarious Parenting
A post I wrote a few years ago that I thought you may find interesting. I’m simply reposting it here as a way to consolidate all of my blogs.
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beginning…
I started this blog a few days ago wanting to write my observations about some parents who’s children are competing in a nationally televised competition called The Next Great American Band. If you have been watching the show, you know who I’m talking about. Originally, it was going to be a hard look at them specifically, but I’m not sure that they really deserve it. As I began writing, I realized that I was writing this to myself as much as anyone else. Sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves what we believe in order to steer clear of mistakes we vowed we’d never make. So, I deleted my original paragraph that set this up to be a salacious article on bad parenting and started over. Here goes… I thought I’d take a moment and share some observations I’ve had about what it means to see your kids succeed, and what that actually looks like.
The situation
I have two boys, who (according to my own “professional” diagnoses) are very advanced for their age, and incredibly talented. I mean, at four and two, you can tell these things. They are talking, eating, sleeping, playing and pooping so far above and beyond expectations, I don’t know where to begin. Ok, enough sarcasm. I want to say I can relate. I’m proud of my kids when they excel. I hope they are successful in whatever they do. But here’s the problem. How do we define success, especially when it’s our kids we are talking about?
The problem
It’s far too easy, and tempting, to compare the success of our kids in relation to what other kids are doing. So, when my pre-pre-school kid is writing his letters, I get on the phone and call grandma. When my pre-pre-school child swings his diminutive (real) golf clubs with a perfect takeaway and follow through that I envy, I call grandpa. When I see other kids attempt these things and not do as well, I’m secretly happy, and slightly jealous when they do better. But what happens when our children do the things well that we wish we could do now? Or show the potential of being really great at something that we dreamt about when we were kids? There’s a skewed perspective that must be taken into account. Here’s what I mean: We compare their success to the level of achievement obtained by other kids their age. That’s not healthy. Every child is unique with immeasurable value, and potential beyond our comprehension. The next thing we do is compare through the lens of our own love, ambition, relation and yes, pride, of their success to the level of achievement obtained by those already successful in the chosen field . Is it difficult to see where this leads?
The result
What happens then, when talented kids are thrust (with or without their own dreams in tow) into a situation where the comparisons and lenses no longer apply? What is left for the kids? When a child grows older, they begin to find out that their parents had (perhaps only subconsciously) their own interest and dreams at play, never really exploring all options for their child and allowing for full maturation. Then the kids find out that, they either weren’t quite as good as thought (the comparisons no longer apply), and there is always someone better, or that “living this dream” isn’t all they were led to believe it would be. It’s a difficult situation for a parent. I want my kids to do so well, and the most obvious litmus test is the averages of the world we are exposed to. It’s worse for our children who are exposed to our own vision for their lives more than any other, and when our own exposure to the world around us is, in reality for us all, limited.
ending…
I had intended this article to take a hard look at the parents from the band “Light of Doom” as seen on The Next Great American Band. But here’s the reality. I don’t know them. I only know myself. I have sat behind them and observed what appear to be two major issues that need to be addressed.
- They are living vicariously through their kids. They want to be doing what their kids are doing. It’s obvious on their faces, in their demeanor, and in their attitudes.
- They are somewhat blind, or ignorant, to what will most likely happen to their kids when a record company is put into a position of finding something marketable about these guys. The band doesn’t really have a market as it stands, and the most obvious option is to create a “Hanson Metal” band. But the thought of “Hanson” doesn’t usually conger up fond thoughts to most people. This is a result of limited life exposure.
I feel sorry for the kids. I feel sorry for the parents too. They are missing out on a level of pride that comes when you see your child do right, not just well. I remember the look in my father’s eyes when I achieved a level of success that was more advanced than those of my peers. And while I could not have possibly recognized it then, he has a world view that I’m a large part of, thus diminishing other aspects of that perspective. I get in the way, as it were. Kids BIG, everything else small. That’s not bad. It’s the way it is, and it’s good. We want to be big in our parent’s eyes. We need to be big in their eyes. But I remember with a fonder memory, and my own perception of self-worth soared, when he and I sat down and had heart to heart, deep discussions about maturity, life, discovery, and growth. When he saw that I was my own man, providing for my own family, and loving others as I love myself, my heart swelled because his had burst. I want these kids from San Diego to have that. I want you to have that.
Thanks for hearing me out.
